C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 TEQUILA Mexican federal agents shut down three distilleries that weren't putting enough agave into their product. They were tipped off by barflies who found they "just weren't getting as completely blind-drunk as usual."

02 CLINTON Now that he's suffering impeachment proceedings, can we at least dispel these death list urban legends?

03 BOOKS ON TAPE The "Starr report" is now available on audio tape, complete with a "dramatic re-enactment" of Monica Lewinsky's testimony. No, I'm not making this up!

04 WAL-MART A promotional event in New Jersey left over fifty people injured by a crowd competing to grab prize balloons. Yet another argument against holding charity events.

05 SATELLITE DISH COVERS Do you want direct-broadcast digital television, but can't stand the look of the equipment? Hide that unsightly technology with fake rocks that beautify your lawn!

06 RIO The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has been granted a temporary restraining order against the makers of a portable MP3 music player. Striking a blow for lawyers, Luddites, and DIVX supporters everywhere.

07 THE MP3MOBILE One of those wacky, rebellious Brits has built an MP3 player running on Linux in his car! The nerve!

08 DEBT Another wacky Brit receives a notice for a $206 billion overdraft on her bank account. The computer thought it was April Fool's Day.

09 SCI-FI TOP 100 Entertainment Weekly's list of science fiction favorites puzzles trufans. It's like it was published... in an alternate universe!

10 DVD WEEK Organized by drooling fanboys to "vote with your wallet" in support of the new video format. Politicians are trying to adopt this as the standard electoral process.

11 Dolby Digital-Surround EX Because when you go to see the new Star Wars movie, you'll really need a big speaker right behind your head.

12 ECHOSTAR There-- up in the sky! Faster than legislation; more powerful than a letter-writing campaign! It's a bird-- it's a satellite-- it's a lawsuit!