October 20, 1998
C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET *
WHAT NON-AARDVARKS ARE PONDERING THIS WEEK...
01 TEQUILAMexican federal agents shut down three distilleries that weren't putting enough agave into their product. They were tipped off by barflies who found they "just weren't getting as completely blind-drunk as usual."
02 CLINTONNow that he's suffering impeachment proceedings, can we at least dispel these death list urban legends?
03 BOOKS ON TAPEThe "Starr report" is now available on audio tape, complete with a "dramatic re-enactment" of Monica Lewinsky's testimony. No, I'm not making this up!
04 WAL-MARTA promotional event in New Jersey left over fifty people injured by a crowd competing to grab prize balloons. Yet another argument against holding charity events.
05 SATELLITE DISH COVERSDo you want direct-broadcast digital television, but can't stand the look of the equipment? Hide that unsightly technology with fake rocks that beautify your lawn!
06 RIOThe Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has been granted a temporary restraining order against the makers of a portable MP3 music player. Striking a blow for lawyers, Luddites, and DIVX supporters everywhere.
07 THE MP3MOBILEOne of those wacky, rebellious Brits has built an MP3 player running on Linux in his car! The nerve!
08 DEBTAnother wacky Brit receives a notice for a $206 billion overdraft on her bank account. The computer thought it was April Fool's Day.
09 SCI-FI TOP 100Entertainment Weekly's list of science fiction favorites puzzles trufans. It's like it was published... in an alternate universe!
10 DVD WEEKOrganized by drooling fanboys to "vote with your wallet" in support of the new video format. Politicians are trying to adopt this as the standard electoral process.
11 Dolby Digital-Surround EXBecause when you go to see the new Star Wars movie, you'll really need a big speaker right behind your head.
12 ECHOSTARThere-- up in the sky! Faster than legislation; more powerful than a letter-writing campaign! It's a bird-- it's a satellite-- it's a lawsuit!
13 MICROSOFTThe government anti-trust case against the software company kicks off this week. The halftime show will take place on Wall Street.
with apologies to Jim Mullen
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