One Time Loser

As expected:

Dear Friend,

I regret to inform you that your script was not selected as one of the 25 finalists in the NYTVF-Fox Comedy Script Contest. The decision tasked to our readers was a very difficult one, and unfortunately there were a number of quality scripts that were unable to advance to the next round of the contest. Narrowing the initial field of over 880 pilots down to 25 was a tremendous challenge, yet the New York Television Festival was thrilled with the response and was astounded by the quality of effort put forth by its community of talented scriptwriters.

Thank you again for the hard work and commitment exhibited in your pilot script. I encourage you to check back with the NYTVF Web site from time to time, as we hope to offer additional opportunities for aspiring television writers soon. In the meantime, we appreciate your support of the New York Television Festival and the independent television movement, and we hope to see you this September at the 2008 NYTVF.

Best Regards,

--NYTVF

On the plus side, this means I can start sending the script to some more readers for feedback. Maybe even a few who actually know something about writing half-hour comedies.

~CKL

Now I Have a LiveJournal Ho Ho Ho

I don't actually plan to post much over there, but I've updated my Yahoo! Pipe to include all three of my blogs now: this one, the LiveJournal, and Travels With Our Cats.

I plan to start another ongoing blog in October (stay tuned for details), plus the obligatory NaNoWriMo progress/backup blog in November. Crazy!

~CKL

Denvention Has Begun

One of the many sights we saw today at the 66th WorldCon:

From Denvention 3

(I'm not convinced it was an actual stargate. The wormhole was definitely open for more than thirty-eight minutes, and I didn't see any singularities nearby.)

For more photos and details, click on over to Travels With Our Cats!

~CKL

Hancock and the Golden Wall-E

Yes indeedy, the summer movie season is here, and with it we have a spate of films that are overstuffed with special effects, action set pieces, and--somewhat surprisingly--story. But this is not necessarily a good thing.

The last three movies D and I have seen--Wall-E, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, and Hancock--all suffer from an excess of good material. It's as if the filmmakers couldn't decide what story they wanted to tell, and just decided to blend everything together in the script-o-matic. The end results contain bits of interesting premises, but those bits are floating in a vaguely incoherent story-like substance. Or, to use another metaphor: too many dots, not all connected.

I wouldn't say any of them was bad, but you can probably wait for DVD to see for yourself.

(MINOR SPOILERS BELOW)

The worst offender, in terms of underdeveloped story and character, is Hellboy II. I really liked the first Hellboy movie, which managed to preserve much of the feeling of the original comic while also adding its own flourishes. But for the sequel, director Guillermo del Toro went a little overboard on art direction and makeup design--there are some amazing creatures which appear on screen for less than five minutes.

I'm glad Guillermo is getting the budget to play with stuff like this, and the movie looks beautiful, but there are literally half a dozen different subplots which all get shortchanged along the way. If you're going to see any of these three films on the big screen, go for Hellboy II. It's gorgeous.

Hancock, on the other hand, features some of the worst superhero-flying visual effects I've ever seen. I'm not talking about how Will Smith's character flies like the drunkard he is--that's actually a nice touch. I'm talking about the quality of the computer graphics and compositing. The lighting doesn't match between elements, and foreground object edges ring like crazy. It's surprisingly subpar for a big movie like this.

And even if you haven't seen the movie, I'm sure you've heard about the big left turn it takes in the second half. After reading a synopsis of the original screenplay (which was written in 1996 and titled--I'm not even kidding--Tonight, He Comes) and looking at the writing credits for the finished film, it seems obvious that X-Files alumnus Vince Gilligan smothered newcomer Vy Vincent Ngo's spec with half-baked mythology in the hopes of making it--well, something else. It didn't quite work.

D has a higher opinion of the final product than I do. I agree with her assertion that just three additional scenes would have filled in the biggest plot holes, but I don't think merely connecting the dots would have helped this movie to the next level. We never really find out who Hancock is--we do learn his origin, but we never get to know his character.

Wall-E has the opposite problem. The film has a nearly perfect first act. It starts with a show tune--"Put on Your Sunday Clothes" from Hello, Dolly--and introduces us to the titular robot with no dialogue at all. You could say this is the movie Pixar was destined to make; "Luxo Jr.," the animated short film that put them on the map, was all about making an emotional connection between the audience and an anthropomorphized desk lamp, using nothing but movement and a few sound effects.

Unfortunately, this film also takes a bit of a left turn halfway through. It's not quite as egregious as Hancock; in Wall-E's case, it's like the writers felt they needed to graft on a second story that featured more talking, almost as if they didn't have confidence that non-speaking robots could carry the whole movie. The addition isn't nonsensical or even a tonal shift, but it felt somewhat unnecessary and oversimplified to me.

Part of the problem is, I'm sure, that I've read much more science fiction than the kids at whom Wall-E is aimed. I know from generation ships and environmental apocalypses and mutinous ship's computers. It was fun to see the references to 2001: A Space Odyssey and Logan's Run and Star Trek, but I would have liked more exploration of the underlying concepts along with copying the imagery. These particular Big Ideas aren't new to me, so I want a little more depth in their presentation.

I know everyone is gushing about Wall-E, but I'm a bit disappointed with Pixar this time around. They usually spend years perfecting their stories and pinpointing the hearts and souls of their characters*, and I feel like they shortchanged their main character to spend time on a very standard, MacGuffin-fueled third act. There were so many other, more interesting things in the movie they could have developed. I'm still waiting for the next great science fiction film to come along and wow me.

~CKL

* Cars is the exception that proves the rule.

Updated Things To Do

Because I know you're so interested (roll your eyes when you say that, pilgrim)...

I voted for the Hugo Awards at least four hours before the deadline on Monday. Yay me. I didn't have time to read all the nominees, but I got through most of the novels (I'd read two of them already) and all of the novellas and novelettes. I had also seen all of the long-form dramatic presentation nominees already. I didn't feel qualified to vote in any other categories--except Fan Writer, where I knew two of the nominees personally.

I just submitted my application for the SIE Alumni Mentor Program. So that's done. This is the first time they've done this, so I'm not sure what to expect as far as being accepted. But I figure it can't hurt to apply. It also got me to update my LinkedIn profile, which serves as my résumé these days. (Weirdness: LinkedIn seems to have removed the "self-employed" option on profiles, so I couldn't update the "aspiring screenwriter" section of my employment history without making up a company name. It feels like a bug, but I can't make myself care enough to report it.)

So, the new list (with deadlines):

• Find and book a hotel room in/near Rapid City, SD. We're scheduled to arrive in the badlands on 7/26, for our visit to Mount Rushmore et al., and this appears to be the busy season there. D got a little overwhelmed doing legwork, so I'm taking over. Hopefully we can stay within our travel budget without compromising too much on amenities. (7/10)
• Solve Ghost Patrol application pre-clues. It may be time to ask for a hint on these, although if GC is using them to weed out teams, they may not be very forthcoming. On the other hand, if we're already not having fun anymore... (7/18)
• Audition for the Stanford Singer's Showcase. They want one to three mp3's of me singing, which I don't currently have since all our home computers got packed up in April. But our current hotel has pretty fast broadband, so I'm going to see if I can do a network restore from Mozy. Low priority, since the event happens in November and I plan to be busy with at least two writing projects that month. (7/20)

~CKL

I'm Going to Paradise!

After a day at the International Spy Museum, D and I returned to our hotel room, where this email was waiting for me:

Dear Mr. Chen,

On behalf of the staff and the instructors, I'd like to welcome you as
a student to Viable Paradise, and say congratulations!

This letter is a written confirmation of your acceptance to the 2008
Viable Paradise Writers Workshop, aka VP 12/XII...

There's more to the message, but that's the important bit. I was too surprised to be excited at first, since I had just applied yesterday and wasn't expecting to hear back for at least a week. But I got over that quickly.

I'm going to Viable Paradise! With John Scalzi! And Elizabeth Bear! And Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden! And fellow Half-Life 2 enthusiast Steven Gould, who also wrote Jumper! I probably shouldn't ask him what he thought of the movie, but maybe I'll ask his wife.

I'm not well acquainted with the works of the remaining two instructors, Debra Doyle and James D. McDonald, but I plan to do some reading before September...

Finally, in case you're wondering, the manuscript I submitted with my application was the current version of "Working Graves," which started with a dream I had in 1999. The opening scene is still mostly intact, though I've expanded upon it since that first draft. And I made a few important changes from the draft I submitted with my Clarion application.

~CKL

Third Time's the Charm, Right?

Early this morning, I email-submitted my application for the Viable Paradise writer's workshop. Then I went to sleep, and after breakfast, went to the post office to send a hard copy of my manuscript. Yes, today is the deadline for applying, and yes, I do wait until the last minute much...ly. (Adverb? Really? Whatever.)

You may recall that I applied to Clarion and Clarion West earlier this year, but was not accepted to either. No big--it actually made planning our road trip a little easier. VP happens at the end of September, by which time we'll be settled in Portland (or at least planted in a hotel nearby, looking for an apartment).

But even if I don't get into VP, I have an idea for a year-long writing project which I plan to start this fall. More details to come. And, of course, I'll be doing NaNoWriMo in November.

Meanwhile, here's my new list of things to do, with deadlines:

1. Vote for Hugo Awards - July 7
2. Apply for Stanford in Entertainment (SIE) Alumni Mentor Program - July 15
3. Help Team Snout finish application for Ghost Patrol Game - July 18 (solve remaining pre-clues)
4. Audition for Stanford Singer's Showcase - July 20 (find audio recordings)

~CKL

Hugo Reading

D and I have another week and a half to vote for this year's Hugo Awards. She's currently ahead of me on reading all the nominated stories, many of which are available online.

I've only read two of the nominated novels (so far), and I'm also partial to those two authors because I hosted both of them at Google last year:


John Scalzi on The Last Colony


Charles Stross on Halting State

~CKL

"Apartment of Champions" Teaser

I've just submitted my entry for the FOX-NYTVF Comedy Script Contest. My synopsis:

In a city full of super-heroes, five young people with not-so-great powers and one normal college kid do their best to avoid great responsibility.

I don't actually expect to win anything, since this is my first time around the block, and I don't even watch sitcoms (except for How I Met Your Mother. I heart NPH). I basically wrote the Kevin Smith version of a superhero show--i.e., where all the fighting takes place off-screen, or not at all, and it's pretty much all banter about how ridiculous a world full of metahumans actually would be. (Seriously, who pays for all that property damage?) If I had to pitch it, I'd have to call it "Friends meets The Tick." And nobody's going to buy that.

I can't share the actual script here yet, since by entering the contest I have agreed "not to exhibit, disseminate, produce or broadcast, or authorize any third party to exhibit, disseminate, produce or broadcast, in any manner, media, or format, the script submitted as part of his or her entry (or portions thereof), for a period of one (1) month following the conclusion of the Contest." But I'll talk more about it after October 17th.

It was, however, a good writing exercise, and I have a much better feel for how much time and effort it takes me to produce thirty pages. Three revisions in one week is probably nothing by actual TV standards, but now I know I can pound out a new draft in six hours if I need to.

~CKL

John Grisham on "Foreshadowing"

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source:

Guess what? There is this really neat literary device I just learned about, and it's called "foreshadowing." It's this thing where, in the beginning of the story, you put in all these little "hints" about stuff that's going to happen later on. I can't wait to try it out!

Here's the thing. There is a difference between what makes a good book, in terms of art or even craft, and what makes a bestselling one. (I could give other examples.) An author has some measure of control over the former, but absolutely none over the latter.

I have no illusions about this. No matter how many book tours you do or how much money your publisher pours into marketing, you can't make people like something. This is why I don't understand all the "#1 movie in America" commercials for new releases--are people supposed to be so unsure of their own tastes that they need to rely on total strangers to tell them what they should enjoy?

When D and I went on the Warner Studio Tour, our guide asked everyone what their favorite WB/CW shows were so he could point out locations that had been used in filming them. We mentioned that we were big Buffy fans, and then the guy couldn't stop gushing about Moonlight, saying how "slick" it was and how the network had "designed" it to appeal to Buffy fans.

How can I put it delicately? Moonlight was crap, and I'm glad it's been cancelled, because now CBS can spend that money on something better. (Although they'll probably just order another CSI spinoff.) My original pessimism was confirmed by the pilot, and I decided not to waste any more time on it after that.

See, I don't understand people who indiscriminately love something because of its premise, sometimes sight unseen, with no regard to execution or actual content. Was I supposed to like Moonlight because I loved Buffy, and they both involved vampires? Here's a hint: I didn't love Buffy just because it had vampires in it. I loved it because of what they did with those vampires, and nobody does it like Joss Whedon and company. (But I'm still going to wait until I see Dollhouse before deciding whether I like it enough to petition for it. Seriously, folks. If you drool too much, you start to look like you're foaming at the mouth.)

If you are one of those poor souls still mourning Moonlight's cancellation, you have my sympathies, and I hope something better comes along for both of us. In the meantime, maybe you can go watch Van Helsing again. I hear that's got vampires in it.

~CKL

My Work, Cut Out For Me

I have eight days to submit an entry for the FOX - NYTVF Comedy Script Contest.

I have twenty-five days to submit an application for Viable Paradise.

I'd totally forgotten about the latter for the past couple months. The former, I've just been procrastinating on.

~CKL

"Also, your mechanic is a pony."

Meta-comedy. I love it.

~CKL

Our Next Civil War

I'm not saying this just to be pessimistic, but today's big news from California--"State Supreme Court says same-sex couples have right to marry" is the headline in the San Francisco Chronicle--made me think about America's long-standing tension between federal jurisdiction and states' rights, which every now and then becomes focused around a divisive, polarizing issue. Today, the issue is same-sex marriage. In the mid-1800s, it was slavery, and debate eventually escalated to war.

I watched a few minutes of talking heads on CNN tonight (help me I am trapped in a hotel room without TiVo), and the opponent of today's ruling had his knickers in a twist over the fact that, unlike Massachusetts, California will not have a residency requirement for same-sex couples who want to tie the knot--so gays and lesbians from elsewhere in the nation can hop the border to the golden state, take their marriage certificate back, and use the document to challenge whatever local statutes prohibit their wedded bliss at home. He stopped short of using the word "contagious," but behind his plastic smile, in his narrowed eyes, it was clear exactly what he thought of those people.

For the record, I am ecstatic, and I love San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom a little bit more every time I hear him speak: "It's about human dignity. It's about civil rights. It's about time."

Anyway. I don't think it's likely that the culture war is going to turn into a shooting war, but it's interesting to contemplate. Orson Scott Card used this premise for his book, Empire, which I haven't read (and for which D's one-word review is "meh"), but I understand from reviews that his story doesn't involve a full-blown "brother against brother" conflict. (Though it does, apparently, involve battlemechs. Go figure.)

How would an underground railroad for homosexuals operate? What is the gay equivalent of a Star of David? (A pink triangle?) And at what point would bleeding heart liberals who are eager to donate their money but stingy with their time actually lift a finger to do something to upset their upper-middle-class status quo?

I don't know if there's a story in here, but I'm adding it to my notes.

By the way, is it just me, or is this Los Angeles Times sidebar the Worst. Graphic. EVER? Seriously, they couldn't have picked colors from a few different places on the wheel? Used some cross-hatching or other distinctive shading patterns?

~CKL

Negative Clarion Particles

Well, it's over:

Thank you for applying to the 2008 Clarion Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers' Workshop at UC San Diego. Your application has been carefully reviewed. We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for admission.

Please be aware that we received a very large number of applications. Many excellent candidates could not be offered admission.

We hope that you will apply to Clarion again in the future.

Damn skippy. Just try and stop me.

~CKL

No West, Young Man

Well, I heard back from Clarion West. Two months ago, I applied to the 2008 writing program in Seattle, and tonight I got their answer:

We are sorry to let you know that you were not selected for this year's class. We had a record number of applicants, and because the workshop can hold only eighteen students we could not find room for all of the promising writers.

So that's a signal. Not what I was hoping for, but hey, if I want to be a writer, I'd better get used to rejection, right? And plenty of it!

Still waiting to hear from Clarion (the original, in San Diego). Not looking good for our hero...

~CKL

Google Causes Global Warming!

Dr. Robert Zubrin visited Authors@Google last Monday to talk about his latest book, Energy Victory: Winning the War on Terror by Breaking Free of Oil.

Skip to the 40-minute mark in the video below to see the controversial slide which prompts an inevitable flood of pointed questions from the audience. As the saying goes, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing:



The complete, in-context quote from Dr. Zubrin is: "The same argument could be made that Google causes global warming... by your spreading of information, which contributes to economic growth... and, in fact, much more global warming than the corn ethanol program, I daresay."

I'm currently reading Fifty Degrees Below, the second book in Kim Stanley Robinson's "climate trilogy," and though I'm enjoying it, the information seems even more densely packed than in his science-packed Mars trilogy. Maybe that's because the "climate" books are set closer to the present day, and therefore all the political and social situations resonate and feel that much more real. Every detail implies a multitude of other things I'm already familiar with, instead of causing me to speculate on what a future society might be like.

~CKL

Food Court: The Musical!

The latest prank from the folks at Improv Everywhere:



Read more about it on their blog. My favorite part is the security guard, but honestly, I wish the music was a little better and the satire a little sharper.

I know the whole breaking-out-in-song thing might seem frivolous to many people, but in a well-written musical show, there are clear and compelling reasons for characters to sing instead of speak about very specific things. Meeting the girl of your dreams? Yes. Dry cleaning? Not so much. You don't just add another song because it's been ten minutes since the last one. Well, maybe sometimes that's okay.

~CKL

"DRM is not actually doing anything to prevent piracy"

Finally, people are getting it: DRM doesn't work. The title of this post is a direct quote from Madeline McIntosh, a senior vice president at the Random House Audio Group, who was quoted in "Publishers Phase Out Piracy Protection on Audio Books" (New York Times, 03 Mar 2008):

In a letter sent to its industry partners last month, Random House, the world’s largest publisher, announced it would offer all of its audio books as unprotected MP3 files beginning this month, unless retail partners or authors specified otherwise.

Penguin Group, the second-largest publisher in the United States behind Random House, now appears set to follow suit...

Mr. Heffernan said the company changed its mind partly after watching the major music labels, like Warner Brothers and Sony BMG, abandon D.R.M. on the digital music they sell on Amazon.com. “I’m looking at this as a test,” he said. “But I do believe the audio book market without D.R.M. is going to be the future.”

Other major book publishers seem to agree. Chris Lynch, executive vice president and publisher of Simon & Schuster Audio, said the company would make 150 titles available for download in an unprotected digital format in “the next couple of months.”

Clarion caul

It's done. I've just submitted my application for the Clarion writing workshop in San Diego, which is celebrating its 40th anniversary this year. Regular readers of this blog (all three of you) will recall that I also applied to Clarion West last month. I'd be happy to get accepted to either one.

Because it's specifically a short story workshop, Clarion requires every applicant to submit "two complete short stories, each between 2,500 words and 6,000 words in length. The stories should represent your best fiction work to date." I didn't have a lot of time, so I reworked two existing pieces.

The first story was "Ghosts of Earth," based on a piece of flash fiction I had previously submitted to 365 tomorrows. At 500 words, that wasn't really a complete story, but it intrigued a lot of people--I got at least three inquiries about when I was going to write a sequel. In the process of fleshing out the premise, I changed a lot of things from the 500-word version, including the identity of the narrator and the details of first contact with the aliens.

The second story was "Working Graves," which started out as a dream I had in 1999. I've written several versions of it, including workshopping it at BayCon one year and later attempting to turn it into a screenplay, and at one point the narrator--Griffin--had all kinds of crazy magical superpowers. I ended up dialing all that back. Six thousand words is not very long.

There's a saying that you can never write a perfect novel, but you can write a perfect short story. On the other hand, Voltaire said that perfect is the enemy of good. On the gripping hand, if you never actually finish anything, quality is irrelevant.

I am hugely grateful to my wife, who is an excellent reader and always gives unforgiving but helpful feedback. The geek in me wishes I could have kept the "you're doing it wrong" line in "Working Graves," but D was right--it was too flippant for the moment, a little too action-movie-quippy. She helped me whittle both stories down to their essential elements, which meant discarding a lot of potential subplot which might have been interesting, but was ultimately irrelevant.

I'd also like to apologize to her for the horrible pun in the title of this blog post. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

~CKL

Applying Myself

Tomorrow is the early application deadline for Clarion West. I don't need the $100 tuition discount, but it was a good way to get myself to write for the last two weeks, and I'm all done--I just hit "send" on my application email. Wish me luck!

At D's suggestion, I revised and submitted the first 27 pages of Spaceship Castle, my latest NaNoWriMo novel. That was the easy part. Writing a 3-page synopsis of the novel, something I'd never done before, took a lot longer. And the personal essay--a "description of your background and your reasons for attending the workshop"--was the toughest part by far. I don't like to talk about myself, as you may have guessed, and I'm a horrible salesman.

D deserves all the credit for helping me get those 800 words out. I searched the web for guidance on how to write the essay, hoping to find some samples from previous workshop attendees, but there was nothing out there. So, in the interest of making information accessible and useful, below is the complete personal essay from my 2008 Clarion West Application. And no, I'm not worried about anyone plagiarizing it. If you really want to be a writer, you have your own stories to tell. This is my story.

I am an orphan of the Space Age. The first thing I ever wanted to be was an astronaut, and it took me a long time to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. I was born after the last man walked on the Moon. I was thirteen years old when Challenger exploded. And there’s a good chance I’ll die before humans land on Mars.

The good news is, I’ve also been able to watch science fiction take over the mainstream media. The first television show I ever saw was Space: 1999. My first movie was Star Wars. But the real good stuff was in books.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been reading speculative fiction. My first love was hard science fiction--Asimov’s Foundation novels, Niven’s Ringworld series--but I’ve also enjoyed a lot of fantasy, horror, and other weird tales. I like to think I’ve expanded my horizons from merely the known universe to places that could never exist outside their authors’ imaginations.

I started writing my own stories in grade school, copying plots from Tom Swift adventures and hard-boiled prose from spy thrillers. I knew I wasn’t very good, but I kept at it, and I got better. I was first published in my high school literary journal. In college, I started my own web site, and people from as far away as Australia sent me email saying how much they enjoyed my short stories.

In the last quarter of my senior year, I took a writing class with Ursula K. LeGuin and Pat Murphy. I had to pinch myself when I first saw the listing in the course catalog. It was a great experience, and really got me excited about writing.

After graduation, I took a software engineering job at a Silicon Valley startup. The next few years were a whirlwind, and my writing fell by the wayside. I still dabbled, but I never found the time to finish anything. It was easy to listen to managers and coworkers telling me what to do with my career instead.

Seven years later, at Worldcon in San Jose, I ran into Pat Murphy again, and she asked if I was still writing. I’ll never forget the look on her face when I told her I hadn't been submitting stories anywhere. Sadness, and disappointment, but not surprise.

The startup had folded by then, and I had moved on to less rewarding jobs at larger companies. During a bad stretch of unhappiness with work, I started taking acting lessons. The first class was on February 1, 2003, the same day that the Space Shuttle Columbia and her crew of seven died during re-entry. I cried. I was thirteen years old again, listening to the radio, not wanting to believe it, not knowing what to do.

In class, I found that I was always picking apart scripts and wishing that the characters were less one-dimensional. I realized that I was more interested in writing my own dialogue than speaking someone else’s.

So I looked for other ways to scratch my storytelling itch. I started running treasure hunts with my friends, and my favorite part was making up narratives to glue the events together. I finished writing my first complete novel in 2005, thanks to NaNoWriMo, and am now working on my third. I’ve had several 500-word vignettes published online. But I’m still missing something.

I know I can write. I write emails every day, I take great meeting notes, and I have a blog that nobody reads. But I also know that I can improve. So far, I’ve just been fumbling around and getting lucky with my stories. I still have trouble with structure and character and probably a raft of other things I don’t even know about. I believe that Clarion can help me identify those problems and figure out some solutions.

Writing fiction is the most challenging and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I’ll never be an astronaut, but ever since I started reading about aliens and spaceships, I’ve also dreamed of being a writer. (After all, what good is visiting another planet if you can’t tell the story?) And that is still possible.

I’ve been an engineer for almost thirteen years. After spinning the stock option wheel of fortune several times, I finally hit the jackpot. I didn’t make enough to retire, but I have saved up enough to take some time off and chase this dream. I’m hoping that Clarion will be another great experience that helps me kick-start the next part of my life.

I'll let you know whether I get accepted--either way, it'll be a signal.

Meanwhile, I'm now working on my application for the original Clarion in San Diego. I can't submit a novel excerpt for this one, so I've got four weeks to write the two best short stories I've ever written. No pressure.

~CKL

"An expensive way to smell poo"

I generally find the product reviews on Amazon.com very helpful. Sort them with the lowest ratings at the top and you'll see if there are common complaints about a product, or if people are just blowing off steam for some other reason. But every now and then, in addition to being useful, a review will be entertaining in the sublime.

N A Cat Lover's review of the CatGenie is just such a review. D found it while researching cat supplies--in particular, litter boxes--for our upcoming road trip, and it is now my distinct pleasure to share this information with you.

Here's an excerpt:

Cat Genie takes the small unpleasantness of daily cleaning the litter and it saves it up and releases that unpleasantness as one big unscheduled, unpleasant inconvenience every week or two. Advanced monitors will ensure that the device failure will occur during the workday, as you prepare for your important meeting with your prospective client. Nothing like cleaning out wet cat poo in your nicest suit. Or, you may be pleasantly awoken in the middle of the night by the repeating three beeps of "there's poo and hair in the hopper." You will become more familiar with your cat's feces every day as the cat genie gently fills your home with the aroma of baking excrement.

Follow the link above to read more. Was this review helpful to me? Oh yes. Oh hell yes.

~CKL

Goodbye to Google

(Pop quiz: Does the title of this post make you think of the Carpenters' "Goodbye to Love," Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You," or another song? Leave your answer in a comment below!)

After more than four years, Friday was my last day at the 'plex. My feelings about leaving mirror Nathan Stoll's and Kevin Fox's. I still believe it's a great place to work, but it's time for me to try something completely different. More on that later.

Unlike some other bloggers, I've purposefully avoided mentioning my employer or talking much about work. That was not to be coy or mysterious; if you care at all, you can find my complete employment history on LinkedIn. It was just my way of avoiding any perceived or actual impropriety with respect to the disclosure of company information. Now that I'm no longer an employee, it will be less of a concern, but don't expect this place to suddenly become all-Google-all-the-time. It's a great company, but it was never my life.

So what am I doing now? I'm taking the next three years off to do some writing. D and I are planning to move up to Portland later this year, where most things are a heck of a lot cheaper than here in the bay area, and I'm applying to Clarion. We're also going to do some traveling. You'll be able to read all about it right here on the HotSheet.

You might think I'm crazy to walk away from such an insanely successful company, but I've been working in Silicon Valley for twelve years, and this was never what I really wanted to do with my life. It's just something I happened to be passably good at, at a time when people were paying well for those skills. Now that I have the opportunity to chase my dreams, I'd be crazy not to go for it.

I'll end with this bit of NSFW philosophy from xkcd:

Phrase of the Week

Courtesy of BoingBoing:

Browsing the web from Guatemala is always an adventure. Works okay when there's electricity, which hasn't been very steady while I've been down here over the last few weeks (there have been some big blackouts here related to a sketchy power grid, and unusually intense windstorms). What sucks worse than the lights dimming, or DSL or sat bombing out? Constant Google cockblocking.

Read the complete post and further discussion at "(Guatemala) Google is sorry."

In related news, I was a bit surprised that the San Francisco Chronicle would choose to bleep out "cock" in Tim Goodman's TV Talk Machine podcast, but allow the compound "cockblocking" to remain uncensored.

Of course, former US President Jimmy Carter would never resort to using such crude language. He is much more eloquent than that.

I Got What America Needs Right Here

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight....

"That's worth going to jail for. That's worth anything."

Those are the final words of Cory Doctorow's short story "Printcrime," and I didn't spoil anything by telling you that. But you should read the story--it's short, less than 750 words--before you read about the RepRap, an actual, open-source product being developed in England.

Ich bin ein bassist?

It may just be a faulty translation, but I'm amused that the Vanksen|Culture-buzz blog calls me a "bassist" for The Richter Scales. The post is, of course, about our wildly popular "Here Comes Another Bubble" music video--over 600,000 views on YouTube and counting!

In other news, my friend Jeff bemoans the similarity of his name to many others on LinkedIn. This inspired me to do a Google search for my own name, which showed up on a list of Sergey Brin's favorite books. Who knew?

The "professional 'headline'" on my LinkedIn profile is Polymath. I didn't choose that just to use obscure teminology, or to show off my vocabulary; it really is what I aspire to be. And none of the possible synonyms has the right connotation: "Renaissance Man" is a bit of a cliche thanks to overuse, and the even more esoteric "Homo universalis" is just asking for a beatdown.

I will be the first to admit that I'm not the best at anything I do. I'm not the best singer in the Richter Scales; I'm not the best writer in any forum; I'm not the best programmer at work. But I will argue that I am more well-rounded than many other people--and the distinction is that I don't just like a lot of different things, I do a lot of different things.

Speechless

Actors support the writers' strike:



In other news:



Yup, I've finished my 50,000+ word NaNoWriMo novel for this year! I feel somewhat less successful and triumphant than the last two years, since I wasn't able to finish the complete story that I wanted to tell. But I did bring it to an abrupt, unsatisfying ending, which I understand is not uncommon for fantasy epics.

I also wasn't able to spend quite as much time writing this year, thanks to getting sick for several days early in the month and having other social commitments to honor, including a couple of TV Nights (D and I invite friends over to watch Heroes, three episodes at a time--thanks TiVo!) and a trip to Portland to visit our friend Mike and see the sights.

Just to bring this post full circle... Mike has a character named after him in the upcoming movie Case 39, starring Renee Zellweger, screenplay written by Mike's friend Ray. Mike would have preferred someone who looked more like himself to play the part of "Detective Mike Barron," but he supposes Deadwood badass Ian McShane will have to do.

The Mighty Pencil

Best. Strike Video. Ever So Far.



See many, many more at United Hollywood, or all over YouTube.

I have to admit, this is my favorite part of the WGA strike. Who needs TV when you've got all this free entertainment on the Internet?

I Thought That Was Obvious

So I've been seeing ads everywhere for the movie remake of I Am Legend, for which the tagline is "The last man on Earth is not alone." On its own, a catchy phrase. Makes you think a little bit. But when combined with the poster image, it loses all its punch. See if you can spot the inconsistency below:



Am I the only one who thinks this is a problem? He's got a dog. Of course he's not alone. The tagline is trying to set up the whole movie, making it all mysterious and whatnot, and then you look down and there's the dog. With the man. Man + Dog = Not Alone.

I mean, come on, Hollywood marketing drones. Don't you see how you're undercutting the whole premise of the advertising? You tantalize us with a question ("What do you mean, he's not alone? He's the last man on Earth! How can he not be alone?"), but then immediately allow for a lame and obvious answer ("Oh, I see, he's got a dog. So he's not alone because he has a dog. I get it.") Maybe I have a different sense of "alone" because I'm a pet owner, but there are a lot of pet owners out there.

Here's some free advice: You're supposed to make us wait for it, to get us all worked up because only seeing the movie will answer all our questions. This is just sloppy. It's like advertising LOST with a poster of an island and the tagline "Are they on an island?" I don't need to watch if the answer is right freakin' there in the ad.

I wonder if the I Am Legend ads are a case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing--or, more likely, the marketing department not understanding what the writers were going for. "Great tagline! But we also need to show the dog in the poster. People like dogs. We need to attract that dog-owner demographic. What do you mean, it undercuts the tagline? Oh, you writers and your nitpicking! Get back to the salt mines and make some more words!"

StrikeDog is not amused.

Reality Bites

(EDIT: added screenshot below)

The latest Nielsen ReelResearch Survey (which I signed up for the last time I was in Las Vegas, and which has been a source of intermittent entertainment) contains a portion asking me which of these reality shows I would be most likely to watch, should the current writers' strike continue beyond January.



I want to emphasize that I am not making up any of this. I've only added links below for editorializing:

Million Dollar Password – A modernized take on the original game show. Regis Philbin will host

Moment of Truth – Contestants will answer personal questions while being connected to a polygraph machine

Duel – This game show has contestants going “head-to-head” for the opportunity to win a big jackpot

Clash of the Choirs – Celebrities go back to their home towns to establish an amateur singing group and these choirs compete live

My Dad is Better than Your Dad – Dads lead their families in fun competitions against other fathers and their families

American Gladiators – Hosted by Hulk Hogan, this show follows four women and four men as they take on contestants

Do You Trust Me? – Tucker Carlson hosts. Contestants who are strangers wager how much they trust one another

Dance War: Bruno vs. Carey Ann – The choreographer judges from “Dancing With the Stars” coach their own dance teams through a routine each week

Oprah Winfrey’s The Big Give – This show centers on the competition, drama and emotion as millions of dollars are given away to make a difference in people’s lives

Baby Borrowers – Five young couples ages 16-19 must set up a home and take on various stages of parenthood

When Women Rule the World – Participants are brought to a remote island where women have the opportunity to rule as they build a newly formed society

Amne$ia – In this game show contestants must answer questions from their own lives for money and prizes. Hosted by Dennis Miller

You want another reason to end the writers' strike? I give you twelve. (Thirteen, if you count "American Gladiators" and Hulk Hogan separately.)

Please, show your support for the WGA--go buy some pencils or something.

It's real simple: WGA==Right, AMPTP==Wrong.

It really is that simple, folks. The good news is, the AMPTP has agreed to re-open negotiations with the WGA on November 26th, the Monday after Thanksgiving. And I'm encouraged by all the pro-WGA, positive press that's been hitting the mainstream in the last week.

As Mark Harris notes in his "Why the Striking Writers Are Right" piece for Entertainment Weekly, the WGA took a lot longer than it should have to get its message out--quite frankly, it wasn't nearly as prepared for its own strike as the other side was. But now that the writers are speaking out, in newspapers and magazines and on the Internet, their message is loud and clear.

Here's my favorite rebuttal from Harris' article:

The AMPTP's first response to this [proposal] was to waste weeks by advocating a complete abolition of the residual system. Why, they argued, should writers get paid anything for their work after it's released? Studio chiefs who are smart enough to know better even hauled out a tired old maxim attributed to the late MCA titan Lew Wasserman -- "My plumber doesn't charge me every time I flush the toilet" -- and repeated it in perfect Karl Rove everybody-stay-on-message lockstep.

Ugh. Lines like that give you a taste of what the entertainment world will be like if management ends up doing its own writing. Not to belabor an already disgusting analogy, but writers -- and directors and actors, who have their own renegotiations coming up -- aren't the plumber: They're the water. Without them, nothing goes anywhere, and you end up with a toilet full of...well, let's just say "reruns."

Zing! Long story short: WGA==Right. AMPTP==Wrong. It's that simple. Spread the word.

The Lie Is Also A Lie: Primary Sources

It's the second week of the Writers Guild strike, and things are just starting to get ugly. Yesterday, the AMPTP went Godwin and dropped the word "blacklist" into a press release. The WGA responded with a concise and focused message:

Mr. Counter's charge is as offensive as it is untrue. To accuse the Writers Guild of America of blacklisting, when it was we who suffered the most from it in the past, is simply Mr. Counter's desperate attempt to divert attention from the fact that it was he who walked out of the negotiations, and it is he who refuses every day to return to the table. The WGA has an offer on the table and is ready and willing to meet with the AMPTP any day, anywhere.

If this was an Internet forum, the producers would already have lost the argument. But in the world of old media, the corporations that employ the producers also employ the newspapers, and it's unclear where public support currently lies.

I'm not going to tell you what to think. I'm just going to tell you what the writers and producers each want, in their own words. New Media Residuals are the main sticking point in this strike, so let's focus on that.

(Aside: it's probably not a coincidence that the WGA makes their contract proposals easy to read, in a plain text web page, while the AMPTP hides all their contracts inside PDF documents.)

Here's what the WGA wants, according to their Contract 2007 Proposals:

Non-Traditional Media Residuals

WGA Proposal: We propose all TV and theatrical content earn a residual payment of 2.5% of the distributor’s gross for re-use on non-traditional media, including the Internet, cellular technology and any other delivery system not already covered in the MBA [Minimum Basic Agreement].

Let's do the math: that means, for a $1.99 iTunes download of a House episode, the writer would get less than five cents. Surely that seems reasonable? I mean, you wouldn't